Moving Through The Emotional Stages of Separation!

Moving On!

The day a relationship begins to die there is such confusion.  It seems that we all go through similar emotional responses when we separate from our lovers.   Every time a person looses a lover there is that feeling of confusion, of not understanding why you are feeling like you do.  Reading the stages allows us all to get a perspective on what is happening and a recognition that we are NOT mad!

For some people getting through a relationship can take years, for others just weeks, others even less.  A lot depends on whether you are the one who initiated the breakup or the victim of it.

The five stages were first drawn up by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist who over the years saw emotional patterns that her clients experienced moving often through being devastated, feelings of loss, grief, anger and finally renewal.

Today her model has been adapted and reassessed.  sics, and some of the alternative theories on how people process a separation.

The first stage is DENIAL.  We look at our relationship for anything that is good, we make excuses for odd behavior and even deny that there are any problems, “oh we are just going through a rough patch”.  This is the time that we are hoping that in the long term it will sort itself out.

Stage two, and this often relates to the person who is unhappy is when they begin to BLAME their partner for all the wrongs in the world, its about a growing anger, fear and annoyance.

As this is happening for the other partner suddenly there is a feeling guilt, of being powerless and lost.

Moving on to stage three is about MOURNING.  That feeling of having your heart ripped from your chest, of being left deserted, crying, scared and lacking of belief that you will ever feel happy again.

Now the next stage, stage four, ANGER. How could your partner do these things to you, betray you, reject you?  Suddenly you see that its not about you, they have done the wrong thing.  Then fantasies of payback, scratching their car, particularly if it’s a big black jag, from one side to the other and around again!

Then there is another stage five this is that desperate period of FANTASYING  RECONCILIATION, that both of you can find a way to get through the hard times.  You’ll do anything and hope that your partner will somehow realize that the relationship is worth resurrecting.  The trouble in most cases this is not going to happen.

Stage six, here we go, this is where we begin to mend where there is ACCEPTANCE that you are going your separate ways.  Suddenly you realise there is so much to do in life that you couldn’t do without your partner.  Oh like have hot sex on the beaches, on the shores wherever you feel like it, stuff a stuffy little cheap hotel!

The possibilities being to emerge, the exciting of finding someone new to play with.  Oh whoops who’s having sex next Tuesday in some seedy adult and porn booth?

You begin to act like a free wild person, playing at any opportunity, oh the freedom, the games, the fun.

You find yourself, rediscover who you are.  This for women is such an important stage as so often we base our identity on our lovers or husbands.  As they are no longer here we have to reflect on who we are, and what we want for ourselves.

Finally there is stage eight and here you’ve moved through to be ready to accept a new person in your life, to re-establish a new relationship a new life with another person.

Finally!

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